wylie's song (11 am)

Before I knew for sure that Wylie was a girl, I guessed she was. I just sort of felt it. I was always really nervous about having a girl for societal reasons mostly (we're not really pink princess culture fans). As hard as it felt to raise a boy without gender roles, it felt even harder to raise a girl without them. Maybe my dread was simply that I knew in my gut something wasn't going to be okay. Maybe my worry came from somewhere, some kind of premonition or something. Sometimes I think that I knew. I think of how I was 20 weeks along and didn't want to write in Wylie's due date in my Erin Condren planner. Somehow holding my pen to that date even after my c-section was scheduled made my stomach turn and feel sick inside. And then I felt guilty and told myself I was a horrible person and wrote the date in anyway. The date, of course, which would one day haunt me and solely remind me of something I didn't need any help remembering.

Anyway, from the moment I found out she was on her way, I sang her Iron and Wine's "Woman King." The words always felt fitting then and although now I interpret the lyrics completely different, they are still fitting. More fitting than ever.

My sister and I saw Iron & Wine in Fort Lauderdale. I told my husband before we left that if he sang "Woman King," I would be having a girl. He played "Woman King." I came home and told my husband we really needed to agree on a girl's name.

I will always hear the song as hers. I will always hear the words about her. I will always believe she changed the world in a way maybe most people still can't understand just yet. I have the lyrics tattooed on my back with her memorial tattoo. They will always be hers. I am at that point now, six months out from her death and birthday, that hearing the song can bring me a fine line of comfort. Mostly. I still tear up. I still feel my heart and insides just churn from emotion. But sometimes I can smile and think of her and the mark those little footprints left on the world.