the best i can do. (5:30 am)

People love to ask me if I'm going to have another child. Some seem to think I can replace the one I lost. Others mean well, they just wonder if I'll ever consider it.

I don't know.

I lost Wylie and I also lost the dreams of the big family we will never actually have.

I don't know if I'll ever be lucky enough to bring home a third baby. I don't know when I will ever be brave enough to try.

That's another thing about grief: there are no rules, which I know I said earlier. There are no guidelines. There's just your gut, your broken heart and your fractured sense of self. That's what you get to rely on for direction.

I lost my daughter and I lost the dreams of kids and cousins and chaos that I wanted. Sometimes I believe that there is a third baby in my future. Sometimes I don't know if I'm brave enough to find out. Sometimes I don't want to know the answer.

The future looks different once you face a loss. I used to have mine all planned out but now, it's all day by day.

And that's the very best I can do.