I don't know.
I lost Wylie and I also lost the dreams of the big family we will never actually have.
I don't know if I'll ever be lucky enough to bring home a third baby. I don't know when I will ever be brave enough to try.
That's another thing about grief: there are no rules, which I know I said earlier. There are no guidelines. There's just your gut, your broken heart and your fractured sense of self. That's what you get to rely on for direction.
I lost my daughter and I lost the dreams of kids and cousins and chaos that I wanted. Sometimes I believe that there is a third baby in my future. Sometimes I don't know if I'm brave enough to find out. Sometimes I don't want to know the answer.
The future looks different once you face a loss. I used to have mine all planned out but now, it's all day by day.
And that's the very best I can do.